I Almost Do
by JustASmallTownGirl123
Summary: I bet you think I either moved on or hate you, 'cause each time you reach out there's no reply. I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you, and risk another goodbye. And I just want to tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you and I wish I could run to you. And I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do. Follows missing scene with Semper Fi pin


I Almost Do

Taylor Swift

_I bet this time of night you're still up__  
__I bet you're tired from a long hard week__  
__I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window__  
__Looking out at the city__  
__And I bet sometimes you wonder about me_

A year, it has been a whole year since he has last seen or spoken to her in person and still the sight of her on his TV screen sends his mind spinning and his heart into overdrive. She is addressing the public and press about a kidnapped child who had been found abandoned earlier that week at Bellevue Hospital. She holds the small girl carefully on her hip while she repeats the number for the tip line and urges anyone with information about the child's family to come forward.

He listens carefully to her beautiful voice and smiles when he hears the small lisp that only he knows she has, a trait he discovered would only present itself when she was extremely tired. He'd teased her about it a few times when they had been stuck at the squad, sorting through information on a case, but he secretly loves it. If he was truthful he loves every little thing about her and this very fact has made leaving her and the job behind that much harder.

He glances at the time on the cable box, 12:46 pm, she is most likely already back home, this segment has probably been running all day and knowing her she has reluctantly agreed to go home and get a couple hours sleep. However he also knows that she is probably doing anything but sleeping, because even after days on a case she has always been determined to go nonstop until there was justice for the victim.

Now as he reluctantly tears his eyes away from her beautiful brown ones, his cell phone seems to scream at him from its spot on the coffee table in front of him; _call her_.

_And I just want to tell you__  
__It takes everything in me not to call you__  
__And I wish I could run to you__  
__And I hope you know that every time I don't__  
__I almost do__  
__I almost do_

He picks up his phone and his finger is poised just above her name, ready to hit the call button when he stops himself; he can't call her, not after what he's done, he doesn't know what he would say, if she would even pick up the phone. So instead he calls his voicemail and listens to the last message she left him, a habit he has developed whenever he gets the urge to call her.

**So this...I think this is going to have to be the last time I call you. I think I've finally accepted that you aren't coming back, even though it hurts like hell to admit it. I know I will never understand what it felt like...shooting a kid, all I know is that it messed you up enough to leave me...******

Here she coughs, and he can always swear that he hears her sniff as if she's crying, but then she continues and he knows she's trying to be tough like she always is.

**I've got a new partner, he's good and he's got my back, but it's not the same. I'm going to miss you a lot, but I'm not going to say goodbye at the end of this message because I am still holding on to that one last shred of hope that maybe you'll change your mind and once you get this message you'll call me back.****  
**  
She pauses again and he waits with bated breath even though he knows what comes next, because he can't help the feeling he gets thinking about her next words.

**But if you don't, there's something I want you to know...I love you, Elliot and even if I never hear from you again, I'll never stop.****  
**  
Another pause, but this time he smiles when she speaks again.

**And also, if you ever need that kidney, don't hesitate to ask.****  
**  
_I bet you think I either moved on or hate you__  
__'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply__  
__I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you__  
__And risk another goodbye_

He plays the message a few more times before heading to his cold empty bed, hoping the memory of those words leaving her lips will help him fall asleep. It's been months since he has shared a bed with anyone; Kathy took a month of his moping melancholic state before kicking him out and filing divorce papers again, this time he signed them. Now that there is no one to fall asleep with or wake up to, he finds himself relying on memories of a brown eyed brunette to help him fall asleep.

His dreams are usually about her, sometimes they're good, other times he wakes up and his heart hurts so bad he thinks he's dying. He never imagined leaving her would be this hard, never realized how entangled they were in each other's lives, but every time he wishes he had stayed he remembers the look on her face that day. How horrified and upset she had looked, and even though he isn't sure if it was because of his actions, he couldn't face her anymore, not after taking such an innocent life.

As unconsciousness pulls at the edge of his mind, he briefly wonders if she got the package he had sent her earlier that week. He had agonized whether or not to send the Semper Fi medallion for weeks, not sure if his intention of bringing her closure would work, or if it would just make things worse for her. He hopes with all his heart that it was the former, because if he hurts her any more than he already has he won't be able to live with himself.

_And I just want to tell you__  
__It takes everything in me not to call you__  
__And I wish I could run to you__  
__And I hope you know that every time I don't__  
__I almost do__  
__I almost do_

He's startled out of his sleep a few hours later and it takes him a second to figure out what woke him up, but then there is a loud and rapid pounding on his door and he sighs. As he pulls off the warm enveloping covers of his bed he once again curses himself for being too cheap to find an apartment with a door man. The pounding continues as he makes his way down the hall and his temper suddenly flares, he is not at all happy about being woken up at this ungodly hour by an insistent and annoying stranger.

"Jesus I'm coming alright!" He shouts angrily, unlocking the door and yanking it open. "What the hell is so goddamn important that-"

Suddenly his mouth has gone dry and his heart has threatened to stop beating, because in front of him stands none other than Olivia Benson and she is the last person he expects to show up at his door in the middle of the night.

"Olivia? What are you doing here? How do you-?"

"How do I know where you live?" She interrupts, her tone laced with hurt and anger. "I think the better question is why the hell did you feel the need to send me this?"

She holds up the package that he had sent her, and he takes a little pride in the fact that it has been opened, glad that she hadn't just thrown the whole thing in the trash.

"I'm glad you got it." He says, avoiding her question as he tries to find the right words to explain his actions.

"I'm serious, Elliot." She levels her hard stare at him as she continues. "You never answered any of my calls or returned the messages I left you, I had to learn you quit from the Captain, and now that I'm just starting to figure out how to do this without you, you go and pull this. What the hell is the matter with you?"

He sighs, "You should probably come in."

"Should I?" She asks, raising her eyebrow defiantly.

"Well if you want up to wake up the whole building then we can just stand here, but I can already tell there's going to be some yelling involved in this so I'd rather you come inside." He says, stepping out of the way so she can come in.

She seems to consider this for a minute before huffing a "Fine", and brushing past him into his apartment.

"Do you want anything to drink?" He asks following her into the living room after locking his door back up.

She shakes her head, looking around the small room, "How long have you been here?"

He understands without her having to say anything that she is asking how long he and Kathy have been separated. "Eleven months." He watches as she does her best to keep the shock off her face, but he can still see the surprised look in her eyes, her eyes never lie to him.

"Hmm." She responds, trying to sound nonchalant.

He chuckles, it's the first time he's laughed in months, "You don't have to act like you don't care, let's hear it."

"Hear what?" She asks trying to seem confused.

"You want to know why, and if I left or she kicked me out." He answers, smirking when her cheeks get red. "She kicked me out and then we got a divorce about a month later because she couldn't take me moping around the house anymore. Said that I needed to get over my sorry ass or we were done. Once again I realized that she was never going to understand the job or what it felt like to have to shoot a teenage girl, so we called it quits."

"I'm sorry." She says and when she reaches out to briefly squeeze his hand he is more than surprised.

_Oh we made quite a mess, babe__  
__It's probably better off this way__  
__And I confess, baby__  
__In my dreams you're touching my face__  
__And asking me if I want to try again with you__  
__And I almost do_

"What for?" He asks, almost wishing she would get angry again because he can tell this conversation has just taken on a serious tone.

"Everything." She whispers and when she looks up at him her eyes are filled with tears. "I'm sorry Jenna died, I'm sorry you felt so bad about it that you couldn't even talk to me," she pauses and when she speaks again he can hear the anger creeping back into her voice. "Actually no, I don't think I'm sorry about that one. We had twelve years, Elliot, and you have no idea how much it hurt me to have you turn your back on me, on the squad without so much as a goodbye."

"You?" He asks, doing his best to keep his voice level. "Do you have any idea how hard it's been for me to have to leave that all behind? How hard it is to sit here every day hoping that your new partner has your back and worrying that one day he won't and I'll hate myself for not being there for you?"

"But you didn't have to go!" She shouts, her eyes shining with anger. "I was there. I was your partner and I would've helped you pick up the pieces, you were just too damn stubborn to let anyone help."

He shakes his head, pacing away from her, "You don't understand. Liv, I could barely look at myself in the mirror in the morning. If I couldn't do that, then how was I supposed to face you?"

He feels her hand on his shoulder, and he turns around slowly when she tugs on it, and this time he isn't surprised when she takes his hands in hers. "I never did and never will look at you any differently. Despite what you might tell yourself, you did what you had to in order to keep everyone in that squad room safe."

He doesn't expect it, but his eyes are suddenly full of tears and he gingerly lays a hand on the side of her face, "That's just it though; I didn't shoot her to protect everyone. I did it to protect you. I chose _you_."

"I didn't ask you-" she starts, trying to pull away from him.

"I'm not blaming you." He interrupts, wrapping an arm around her waist so she can't get away, glad when she doesn't try to get free of his grasp. "Let me see the envelope."

She hands it to him, it hasn't left her grasp since she arrived at his door and he slowly takes it from her, turning it over so that the pin and card fall into his hand. He removes the back from the pin and tosses the card on the coffee table.

"Do you know what Semper Fi means?" He asks as he sticks the pin through the lapel of her jacket.

"Always faithful." She whispers as he puts the back of the pin on, smoothing his hand over the shiny metal.

"And I've always been faithful to you, to our partnership, and that is why I shot Jenna, because I couldn't imagine losing you. Not after everything we've been through, not since..." He pauses and takes a deep breath, taking her face in both of his hands. "I couldn't think of letting you leave this world without me telling you something I've been too chicken to admit to myself for over a decade."

_And I just want to tell you__  
__It takes everything in me not to call you__  
__And I wish I could run to you__  
__And I hope you know that every time I don't__  
__I almost do__  
__I almost do_

"I love you." He says his voice barely above a whisper. "I love you. I love you."

He doesn't understand why he keeps repeating himself until it occurs to him that he has never actually said this words out loud. He rests his forehead on hers and smiles and quietly whispers those words one more time before kissing her. It is innocent, passionate, and so many other things all at once. He feels like the past thirteen years, even the one he was absent for, have lead them him to this, to her, and it feels amazing to finally feel her tender kiss and the way her hands thread through the hair on the back of his neck.

When he pulls back her hand moves to cup his cheek and she is smiling even as her eyes glisten with tears, "I never thought I'd hear you say that."

He leans into her touch as his fingers absentmindedly play with a strand of her hair, "Mean it."

"I know." She nods, leaning into his face so that her lips are barely touching his. "I love you too."

She kisses him then and his heart soars, because now he no longer had to rely on some old message on his phone to hear her say those words.

"Stay." He says when she pulls away; his question comes out as more of a demand so he hurries to correct himself. "Please, stay."

Her eyes widen briefly and he is disappointed when a frown appears on her face, "This, I didn't plan for this to happen tonight and I don't think I'm ready to-"

"No, that's not what I meant." He interrupts. "I just want to sleep."

She laughs, her eyes sparkling with humor, "Very romantic, Stabler, now I feel like _I've _just been turned down."

He rests his cheek against hers, his mouth right beside her ear, "Alright, well then let me be more specific. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms and I want to dream about you. This time I want to wake up and have you still be in my arms, I want to know that this all just wasn't some figment of my imagination."

She kisses his temple and pulls on his hand, wordlessly leading him down the hall to his bedroom where she silently shrugs off her jeans and jacket and slips into the bed. He lies down beside her and pulls her flush against him and rests one arm on her waist while the other moves under the pillow they share.

"I love you." He whispers, kissing her shoulder.

"I love you too." She replies, squeezing his hand under the pillow. "I'll see you in the morning."

He loves her even more for saying these words, however unnecessary they might sound, "Promise?"

"As long as you promise never to leave me again." She answers, her voice laced with a hint of insecurity.

"Cross my heart." He says, his eyes landing on the pin on her jacket that glints in the moonlight. "I'm always faithful, Liv, don't forget that."

_I bet this time of night you're still up__  
__I bet you're tired from a long hard week__  
__I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city__  
__And I hope sometimes you wonder about me_

**A/N: Had the day off from school because of icy roads and boredom and my new Taylor Swift CD got together and made this. Hope you like it and thanks for reading!****  
**


End file.
